Lawyer Jokes and Funnies

Contents

1.   Click here for a legally correct Christmas greeting from a lawyer

2.   Click here for the story of a really stupid bank robber.

3.  Click here for another story of a not so bright robber.

4.   Pop quiz - click here see if you can score better than most lawyers.

5.   Death row pardon - click here for this oldie but goldie.

6.   The Dead Parrot - click here for a classic.

Holiday greetings from a lawyer

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

Furthermore, please accept our hope for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the Western Hemisphere),and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)                                    Back to top

America’s Most Wanted

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of  America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny  in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he  began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the  police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and  crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he  handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his  spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him  that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of  America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo  deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man  said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested  the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.       Back to top

America’s Most Wanted #2

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and  demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a  bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the  shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said  "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk  still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the  robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The  clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the  scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier  promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he  got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.                                                                                                                    Back to top

Four year olds scored better than 90% of the lawyers who took this test - how did you do?

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional."  Scroll down for each answer.

The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator door, put in the giraffe and  close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend  except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This  tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.  How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong.  But many preschoolers  got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively  disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.                       Back to top

Death Row, Pardon?

A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you."
The prisoner says, "Okay. What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution."
"Oh that's terrible. What possibly could be the good news?"
"The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!"                            Back to top
 

The Dead Parrot

A woman brought a very limp parrot into the veterinarian.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with
a beautiful black Labrador.

As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at
the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later with a cat!

The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.


The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead. He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill
which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but........ with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."
 

How Would You Rule on this breach of contract case?

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